JAAN Learning & Development The Podcast
JAAN Learning & Development The Podcast

Episode 8 · 1 year ago

Compassion & Resilience


Dominic Borsberry shares how compassion is the at the heart of Personal Resilience 

Hello and welcome to this week's podcast. I'm delighted this week because I have dominic Bollsbury joining me. Dominic, in a moment will introduce himself, but I'm delighted to have him because he's going to be talking about something that is, I think, really, really important. At a minute's going to be talking about resilience and compassion. So, Dominic, before we get into it, I'm going to hand over to you. Would you like to introduce yourself to our listeners? Hi, how you doing? Thanks so much for inviting me on here yet, as you said, my name is Dominic Gausbury. Our Work Privately re clients coaching using hypnosis, and also I helped run a mental health company called me, myself and mind with my partner Dan Edwards, which we've been very busy recently providing lots of podcasts guests from around the world internationally. Recent one we had, we're going to it too much, was a skydiver that had a ten percent chance of survival after a freak accident. So just leave that with you, guys. So there's a lot work we've were doing at the moment, you know, for the community and clients on the whole brilliant, but brilliant, Dominic. Thank you so much so, Dominic. We've been trying to plan this in for ages, so I'm glad it's actually happening now and I'm glad that you've yeah agreed to come along to talk about compassion resilience. I don't if let's get into it straightaway. Really, you know, I would usually assist at the end, but I'm going to ask it at the beginning. Yeah, don't Dominic, in your opinion, you know, we're going through still experience in the pandemic at the minute and I think you know, people have been resilient and a compassion as possible. But but really, you know, my first question to you, Dominic, is broad brush. Right now. What do you think the world needs more off and myself personally, I feel that the world needs more compassion and calmness overall. If I can give you a definition of compassion that I've actually stolen from a fantastic book that the phone is propped up on at the moment, call the Compassionate Mind by Professor Paul Gilbert, who was one of our guests a few months ago. And compassion really is the awareness of suffering to self and others, but having the commitments and possibly the courage to do something about it, because there's a lot of suffering going on around the world at the moment and that contend to trigger feelings within us. I'm sure your listeners will agree, and I've got be careful hower say especially if you're watching the news. That can trigger a negative response in us. But that's up to you guys, whether you watch that or not. But compassion really for our fellow human beings. I mean I regard myself as a man of the people. I've worked in my career with many, many different communities, many different people from around the world and the UK. I just love people, to... honest, and I think I'm not judging people, but I think it's maybe the way we've been conditioned, perhaps going back to the television, you know, we need more compassion, which is to be also to start off with, to be more compassionate with ourselves. I'll tell you a silly story, shall I? I'm sure some of your listeners, like me, love toast. You've done your toast in the morning, put your butt right, maybe some Marmalade if if you're into that sort of thing and you dropped it. It's in the floor bank the wrong way around. You know who, and you in your head you say a new idiot. You know, maybe that was just me. You know, your chastising yourself because you've made a mistake. But the problem with our internal dialog, this chatter that goes on, by the way, which to your listeners, if they're not aware, we talk to ourselves around sixty five thousand times a day, all right, and you're probably only aware of seven thousand of those thoughts or the or the talking. The rest is around fifty eight thousand, which is an automatic program here life the problem. So when you chastise yourself, it can become habitual. We are creatures of habit. So the more we do this, the more we're doing ourselves down, if that makes sense. And if we don't feel good about ourselves, how are we how are we going to project goodness and, you know, happiness to our neighbors or even our family, you know. So we've got a I'm just suggesting to our listeners that when you become aware of your own internal dialog, okay, and a great way of can go into this is to give a tip straight off the bat. Is that okay, absolutely, and we loved tips. Yet meant many people are familiar with food diaries. Brilliant. We need to know what we're eating drinking. That's that's a definite and will come back to that. But a time inventory is writing down in a journal, writing down in a journal exactly what you do from a Monday to a Sunday evening, what times you get up, what times you go to bed every day and all of the activities in between. Because you may agree, some of your listeners may recognize this. There's lots of problems throughout the world, anxieties, mental health problems, obesity, smoking, addictions, and these are unconscious behaviors. So the time inventory, okay, you actually write down what you're doing so you can reflect on the time you spend. You spend from Monday to Sunday. Okay, you become more conscious, if that makes sense. When you become more conscious of what you actually do on a daily basis, you may realize the offense to Jeremy Kyle. You could be watching Jeremy Car for three hours. You didn't realize. You're in a you're almost in a trance like state, you know. So that's not necessarily going to help you if you want to become more productive or less anxious, you know. So that's a definite writing down eight... that what you do every day? It may may sound a bit of a bind or a norse to do, but once you've written it out, you'll my clients find that they reflect and realize the time spent doing things that they may possibly they shouldn't be doing. It's not going to contribute to their family life, yeah, or their own business. Okay, so I'll just leave you with that, if for can. Thank you. Yeah, well, lots of things in their dominics to thank you so much. You know, you talking about lots of thoughts go through our mind. You thinking about your talking about keeping a thought diary and that's a lovely way to get US started. So I guess moving on Dominic you know, let's we're talking about compassion, we're talking about resilience, but I want to talk about purpose really. So you know, there's there's obviously benefit in what you've said and you know we experience it ourselves about writing things down, writing your thoughts down, shaping your thoughts and all that great stuff. Yeah, but it but again, just bringing it back to you and maybe thinking about the people you work with. Ultimately, what would you say is your purpose in terms of supporting and yourself and helping other people? I think my ultimate purpose, to be honest, I refer back to dam earlier. I said partner, you know, with me myself and mind. He's actually my son. So nerfense to my clients. My son's my first port call, if that makes sense. Okay, to make sure that your family's okay. Yeah, that's my true purpose. But in order to do that I've got a sort of look after myself. I mean, I'm an old man now, a feeling, you know, I can't believe, you know, through this lockdown sudden him. I'm fifty two this year. HMM, and my son's are pretty thick guide, as you know, personal training, he does a lot of training himself. He was recently attempted to get on the essays program which he was going on, but you know, I think the lockdowns curtailed all of that. So I feel I've got to remain pretty fit for myself, you know. So I'm accountable to him but also my clients. So my purpose is to stay fit and healthy, both mentally and physically, and to direct or guide and help other people who maybe not as fortunate as myself, with maybe the knowledge, okay, or desire, the drive and and help them get from, you know, where they were. They want to go from this place at the moment, possibly it could be a negative state, and my purpose is to help them achieve that positive state along the way as a as well as the destination. So these these clients that come to me could be weight loss. Anxiety is a massive one at the moment, which leads on to relationship problems, which really leads on to low self esteem. So that that's... purpose. I'm quite fortunate and that I've always been very driven. Yeah, and it sounds like there's a bit of a cycle there that you just describe that people potentially go through and it's lovely to know that you have a focus and the purposes, like you say, Dan, and that gives you the energy. And then spoke about looking after yourself and I want to I want to tap into that a bit more. You spoke about the mind of the body and looking after yourself. So yeah, you know, the premise of this show is to ultimately to help people so they can learn, inspyre them. So so don't you know, what could you tell our listeners that they could do that would help them to maybe become if you were going to suggest that these are the things that would help you to become more mentally fit, and maybe these are things that would yet help you to become more physically fit, what would you tell us? Okay, first of all, I want to recommend. I want to recommend two books, at least three books rather. Okay. First One, the Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert. Okay, fantastic insights into human evolution and how we actually work. We're not taught this from school level, which is a real, sort of massive faux part in society, I believe. Number two, second book, is called what to say to yourself when you talk to yourself, by Shad helmstetter. The third book, generally for women, is called Woman Code. It's a purple colored book by Alsa Vita Superb. Okay, so these are, you know, reading material. Yeah, they're not an acronym suit to help others out there. If the listening at the moment beams, it's an acronym. Beams, be eems or I. So this is this isn't just just our listeners are clear. This isn't like one of these beautiful oak beams you may see. No, sorry, yeah, he's doubly said beems. Yeah, yeah, that acronym stands for breathing. Okay, so most people don't realize when you have a thought it starts to affect the mechanics are breathing. So if you're angry, okay, you could be. You know, you could be breathing in short terset breaths. If you're anxious, you could be holding your breath. If you're working too hard, that the respiratory the breathing rate goes up. If you're relaxed, everything slows down. So breathing rate will come back to which is self, talking and meditative practices. That's number one. The second one really impacts on the breathing your environment. What's the environment you're actually in? Because it's been proven the time you spend in the environment is has a massive effect on how you think and feel. Okay, that's a big one at the moment. The third one, E and we can go into more detail another time, is eat. What you eat, what you drink. I've met quite a few people climb speak to me on the phone...

...and first thing I asked them not about all the food, but what you drink. You like coffee? Oh Yeah, yeah, we love coffee. People don't realize that caffeine is a massive stimulant that will put you into a cycle. You mentioned cycles before, a negative cycle of fight, flight or freeze. If you have coffee after midday, you may find that the caffeine will stay any bloodstream after midnight. That's going to impact on your sleep, which is the s the last one. I've jumped to. The last one, sleep. Sleep is massively important. Okay, yeah, and then the one before that is movement. Movement. Human Beings, Homeo SAPIENS. You know, we were designed to move and hunt. We weren't designed to sit behind a phone or a computer for hours at a time. We weren't designed to sit in the cave for ten hours at a time. So it's all relative. We may have been, we may well be in two thousand and twenty one, but I'm suggesting the best ways to get back to mother nature, whether it's to get outside and gaze at your window box, you know, to get to the local park if you can, if safe to do so, as they say. Yeah, you know, that's a massive one. To get out and move. And just a tip. Some people may say, Oh, I'm frying to go out, and I'll ask them straight away. Have you got stirs in Your House? They'll go yes, and your listeners are probably jumped to what I'm about to say. Can you not go down the stairs a few more times? Brilliant, cardiovascular exercise. Yeah, get the endorphins going. So there's things within the home you can do, you know. Yeah, and dumb. I'm just I'm still I think I'm still delighted and please, really, you know everything, you know. I say every day is a school day and I don't know where the beams comes from, but I can tell you now I'll be using it as often as possible in terms of when I'm supporting people, are supporting myself. So just to confirm this is great. Just to make sure I've got it right. Yeah, the the be it to drop to go over. Yeah. Well, let me see if I've got this right, because I think you've made it, you know. So for me, because I love to remember things, especially when it's in a nice acridym. So, the beast, the first the be stands for breathe. Yeah, breast breathing, breath work. Yeah, and then you got e and the first e you mentioned was environment, yes, yeah. The third e was eat, which is all linked to your diet and nutrition. Yeah, definitely. Then we moved on to M, which was well, you mentioned the yes, but then then m comes next, which is movie. Yeah, yeah, moving this, moving your body and and yeah, utilizing it. And then finally, the super important thing called sleep. You know, there's a there's a a fantastic talk, and I wish I could remember, there's a fantastic talk on Ted talks about how sleep is your superpower. So yeah, so dom that.

That is great. Thank you so much, beams, but I'm going to hand over back to you really because, yeah, what else can you tell us about? So you mentioned these three books, you've mentioned, beams. Is there anything else you might be able to tell us about what people can do to get into that, to get into space, or being more resilient and being more compassionate? As I say, it's it's being more or worse selfware of yourself, behaviors. You know, every behavior you know has been conditioned over many years, many months. You know, they talk about habits. You can get rid of them, you know, within twenty one days. Well, I'd say possibly, unless you have hypnosis. That's going to be very, very difficult, because you've got a little bit of a battle going on. I don't know if people have heard of cognitive dissonance and I'll explain I'll explain that to your listeners, if I can. Please do so, if you just look at my hands for a moment. So we'd say this is the conscious mind, here's the unconscious mind, and and don't try to interrupt, but but it might imagine our some of the listeners won't be able to see this. If you can, all, okay, let's gain so. Yeah, so cognitive dissonance is really is telling somebody something consciously that you agree with all the hours that you've got to work, God sends to get the money in for your family, but your unconscious mind is absolutely sick to death of working so hard like a trooper. So there's a massive gap between what you're saying and what your what you actually believe. Does that make sense? Yeah, right, yeah, so once we get true alignment, so the conscious mind and the unconscious mind are together, you know, you're saying to friend or family you're going to do this. Your unconscious mind, which is the thing that drives you, okay, which is literally your program just to explain and backtrap, sorry for your listeners. The unconscious mind controls us, or you guys, ninety five percent of every day, and I say this you know, deliberately. It controls you automatically in your relationship, your health and your wealth. And to all my clients, I have couples that I work with as well, whether the singles, individuals, couples, business women or men, the biggest relationship is with yourself, okay, and we carry a lot of weight with that, whether it's, you know, parental expectations, you know, family expectations. And one of the questions that the clients fill in, because they get a form called a needs analysis document, I suggest one of the most important questions is at the end and it says if you achieve all of this with with myself or yourself, you know, I'm just a facilitator. Will it fit in in your life? It's called an ecology check. Yeah, because a lot of times we claim we want to do something. Is it for yourself or is it for for a parent or a family member or your spouse? It has to be an individual...

...desire, doesn't it? So I'm coming back to yourself. You you really need to be motivated yourself. I can inspire people. Yes, you can go into a hypnotic state, which is very powerful and allows you to actually uncover those resources you know that you didn't realize you had. Okay, so there's there's a lot of power within human beings that they don't actually realize they have, and that's maybe a conversation for another time about hypnosis. Yeah, that would be great to get you back on and to talk about hypnosis and maybe what that can do for people as well. Yeah, I'm it's so don't lots of great things have come out and I love the tips and the books and the whole beams acronym. I want to I want to turn the attention to what all this means, though, dumb, because I think you know. We talked about with from often, don't we? You Know W II FM, you know what's done it for me. Yeah, yeah, so I suppose I want to turn the attention to what is in it for people. What are the benefits of doing it? Stuff? If you if you can tune your mind and your body, if you can build resilient if you can, you know, build compassion. Yeah, who cares? Why should I bother do any when the benefits done, the benefits immediately, are that there are, there are. There is research out there that shows when you're more compassionate to yourself and others, your immune system, the actual cells within the body of the immune system, the actually strengthen they actually physiologically strengthened. There's not just a psychological effect, there's an internal physiological effect. Okay, your immune system will strengthen. There is a place within the brain that the prefrontal Cortex, okay, which is your executive center of the blood brain, which makes you more conscious, so you're not as automatic, you don't just react, you're more proactive. Okay. This helps redistribute blood flow throughout the brain. So stress actually makes us feel and think stupid. It slows everything down. When you stress, the blood from the fore brain goes to the hind brain for fight, flight or freeze. And if this happens on a regular basis, you get anxious, you get aggressive, the blood flow goes to your arms for fight and don't if you viewers, your listeners know that it goes to the legs for flight, to escape. If this hat is happening on a regular brace based is the blood flow is not going to the vital organs. All right, yeah, that can. I'm just going to suggest and not going to tell them, that can lead to disease at the far end of the this of the scale. Okay. So these daily actions of doing the breathwork and calming ourselves down, you feel far more in control. You know, you feel Karma, and your listeners may agree that...

...when you become Karma, that's a precursor of feeling far more in control, isn't it? And when you feel far more in control, you feel far more confident. When you feel far more confident, guess what, you've got more choices. So you haven't got the blinkers on. Okay, we're more flexible, which is another chat for another time. Flexibility, all right, I don't have explained that. You know well enough. Well, I'm hearing you know, Karma, I'm hearing control. Those things are all great and I think especially especially for what we what we're going through. Don't listen. I would I definitely want to bring you back on to talk about some other things, because I found this really useful. I was suspect that maybe some people may want to get in touch with you directly. So, yeah, unashamingly, Domb. How do people get in touch with you if they want more of this good stuff directly from you? Domb, I mean you could look at our website, I. Ww. Dot Me Myself mindcom. Okay, you can contact me on my mobile personally for a confidential chat, you know, text it through. You know I'll probably be talking to clients. My number is zero seven nine four one seven ninety one five nine. Okay. So if you feel ready to do so, you know your listeners can contact me. All right, if that helps. Done. Thank you so much and thanks for being so, so transparent and open with with your contact detail. That's great. So, don't you know, before we wrap up today's show, obviously I want to thank you, but I don't, I don't Wan't want to to miss anything else you may want to share with the listeners. So any final words? Done. I think we don't let your past become your biography, you know, just because we've had maybe a foul relationship, failed driving test, a failed interview. HMM, you know, you can always start again today. Yeah, you know, there is support out there. Okay, I would urge your listeners if they are in a negative place, to open up to a family member. If you can't open up to a family member, try and seek support. You know, it's far better to have an expressed emotion rather than rather than a suppressed emotion. All right. So, you know, we need to think clearly about the life and the direction and the purpose. Where are we all going? It's not just about dominic, it's it's about the community. Yea, and I live within the community. Yeah, Don thank you so much. I think you know this. This last thing you said, I think is profoundly valuable and useful and I think really for me, the word communication comes out,... know, talking to someone else, as you've mentioned, talk to a family member, talk to a friend, all comes back to communicating and I think you know I want to thank you, I guess, today for communicating with me, for communicating to our listeners, and I truly believe that this is something that is fundamentally important at the minute for us all to focus on this ce word, the compassion and, yeah, who to be able to come together and to support and help whereabouts we can. Dominic. We are at a time. Thank you so much for today. I'm really looking forward to inviting you back in again. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, and pleasure and good luck to all the listeners. Once again, thank you for tuning in and listening and learning. We invited to subscribe and share until next time.

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